Dear Dr. Love:
I have been trying to figure out why I can't keep a relationship. Over the past 3 years I have had a good 6 or 7 boyfriends. Every time I get with a guy, it's great at first, but after about 3 or 4 months, they start acting distant and aloof. The relationship ends soon afterwards.
The longest I've been able to keep a guy is 7 months. I thought I had made it through on that one, but soon enough, he started breaking away from me too.
I can't figure out what I'm doing wrong!! I am a good girlfriend, always attentive, supportive, I don't nag, I let my guys go out with their friends when they wanted, wasn't possessive, gave them sex whenever they wanted. I cooked for them too!
I try to dress sexy for my guy when I can, and do all the little romantic stuff like scented candles, garter belt and stockings, role playing, whatever he wants. Funny thing is, I always hear guys complain about their girls NOT doing those things, and here I do EVERYTHING they like, but they still leave.
What gives? This is really starting to make me depressed. Any advice, I'd be grateful.
J.
Brooklyn, NY
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Re: Why Can't I Keep a Boyfriend?
Hi, J. First of all, let me say this is not the first time I've heard this type of complaint. Others out there that you don't even know are going through the same thing.
Now, without knowing anything about the guys that you dated, I think that it's either one of two things: you keep picking the wrong men to lavish your attention and affection on, or you're just waayyy too easy for these guys.
So let's deal with the first: the type of guys you're picking.
Think back on all of them and compare. Make a list, if you need to. Now, note all the similarities about them: age, looks, job type, personality, independent or living with mom, ,hobbies, habits, etc. See what you can find that's the same.
Now, overall, are you picking the same guy over and over, with only a few minor differences? Well, then, there you go. You need to change the type of guy you go after.
Pay close attention to the personality traits of these guys.
Were they attentive? Did they flirt with other women?
Were they controlling? Possessive? Apathetic about the relationship and you? Find the traits that they all had in common. Then, make it your business to avoid that exact type of guy. You already know him, and you'll easily be able to spot him in a crowd. It's the one you usually go for...DON'T pick him again!
Pick someone the exact opposite!
Now, as for the other possibility: "maybe it's you". Not in the sense that there's anything wrong with you, but in that you just make it too easy for these men. Remember, guys do like a bit of a challenge when it comes to women. It's all about the hunt and the conquest to a certain extent. Like it or not, that's how they're wired.
Now, you, it seems, don't even make the guy work at all. You just lay right down for him. Well, guess what, When you just lay down and start playing wifey for them so fast, the thrill of the chase is gone. Men like to know that you're into them, but not that you're willing to be a doormat for them.
Now, some men do like the Stepford wife, 'do whatever I want and whatever I say' woman, but guys like that usually have control issues, and also are potentially violent and psycho. You don't want one of those!
But as for you, pull back on the Miss Perfect routine. Yes, it's great to be romantic and attentive, but when you do it every day...it gets old. Save some of that for special occasions, and also just as a surprise treat every now and then. Don't stop dressing sexy, if that's what you like, but don't just do it for the guy. It's obvious when you're trying too hard, and that's NEVER attractive!
Seems like you might have a bit of the "I must please disease". Tone it down just a bit, and also make sure that your next relationship is a give and take. Not just a 'give and give' (on your part). There should be some level of equilibrium.
Next time out, note some of the things I mentioned, and put them to use. Between the two, you should be able to get and keep a relationship at least longer than 7 months!
Hell, let's try for a year or two, at least! ;)
Good luck to you, J!
Dr. Love
Why Can't I Keep a Boyfriend?
